It's 10 am and i've already stuffed the second piece of chocolate in my mouth, except this time it's Dark Chocolate with Almond instead of Extra Creamy Milk Chocolate with Toffee and Almonds...I'm such a fat ass...
Before a few months ago, I was content with most things in my life. I'd wake up at 7:15 a.m. after shutting off three alarms that went off at 6:45, 7:00, and 7:05 a.m... I'd step down from bed, slip on my faux suede Target slippers, walk to my dresser, pick out a frumpy outfit to wear to work (insert here a self pity comment about how no one notices me any way) . Brush my teeth while the straightening iron warms up, spit, rinse, spit..straighten hair and eat cereal all at once.
By 7:45 i'm rushing out the door...praying to the gods that i have my bus pass on me.
It's raining.
I'm running...
...i always run. It's perfect logic, if i'm not there on time i miss the bus. But if i'm there too early i get extra wet and cold and end up smelling like those other people..the ones with dirt under their fingernails, greasy hair, and gray teeth...If I run I avoid be outside in the rain too long, and i get there just as the bus is pulling up, because I leave exactly two minutes later than I would if i walked, and arrive at the stop in two minutes. Sure, i'm frazzled, and I look like a mess, but walking to the bus stop wouldn't change any of that, now would it?
Upon entering I'd plop into my usual seat, the one in the middle of the bus, the accordion seat. I'd scope out the couple that looks like brother and sister. They're pasty and pale, talk without making eye contact and say goodbye with the backs of their shoulders.
Every Wednesday, I'd fall in love again. My bus boyfriend who reads Time magazine, Newsweek, and books by Clive Cussler and David Baldacci (love can forgive these things), would sit right across from me; the spot with the most leg room. He's tall, and wears flip flops with linen pants, and his blue eyes always forget to look in my direction. It's a good thing, because usually i'm trying to steal a glance or two while I nervously tremble...he's completely unaware of me, which explains and excuses why he kicked me once.
..but those are only on Wednesdays.
Every other day, I sit and act completely unaware of everyone.
Upon entering the office, I place my coat on my chair, log in to my computer, grab my mug from the day before pull out the semi dried up tea bag, place a new one in and get my hot water. Sitting back at my desk i think, this can't possibly last much longer, but for now i'm happy. happy. happy. happy.
But it's now. It's today and I've stopped feeling any sort of happy. I don't even enjoy bus boyfriend, or my moldy tea mug, or the fact that on a really rainy day i get to see at least one women nearly slip in her heels outside my window. It's just...chocolate. Everything is chocolate, everything i don't want, but still there.
So, I eat it.
I've never been the girl who eats her feelings away, in fact I don't even like Ben and Jerry's on a good day.
Today, after I eat my second chocolate i'll figure out what's wrong. The news headlines on my Google Desktop... the market's crashing, Obama has gray hair, 60 year old women are getting laid off forcing them to eat their cat's food, Mexico has become the Middle East, and in bold it'll says "who are you kidding? you won't survive this recession!" and i won't be able figure out if it's Google telling me that, or if it's me telling me that.
I need a break. A break from knowing that everything is becoming a whole lot of nothing. And even though the news is all relevant, I refuse to accept that I have to have my face rubbed in it every fucking day of my already ridiculously mundane life.
..and so this is my personal break from reality.
My green fuzz is the stuff one might find embedded in between my frontal and temporal lobes...thoughts that have absolutely no idea where to go. I'm sure i'm not the only one whose trying to find a home for it.
Enjoy?
