Ad-ing it Up!

I’m in love with ads. My love affair is only a third grader though, still young, kind of in the honeymoon stage and definitely plans on evolving. But for now, my justification is the following.

Boring to Awesome: TV ads, and for the most part print advertising, have taken a new leap into “intelligent” humor. The kind of humor that asks the consumer to think for 3 seconds and say, “ohhh pfffttt….I get it!” and feel like not only are they “in on it” but like they’ve accomplished something http://msp.imirus.com/Mpowered/imirus.jsp?volume=ds10&issue=7&page=0 . A vital step for businesses, because there is silky thin fine line between snobby were-better-than-you “intelligent” humor (read, The Onion, Adbusters, The New Yorker), and “yo…faux genius…while you absorb all those waves why not engage your mind a smidge, it’s fun, we promise!” I think you get my point here.

Because a grander part of the TV watching population TiVos and DVRs shows, meaning fast forwarding past the commercials, advertising has had to do something revolutionary, taking the “Dear strong businessman, buy this car and not only will you own your customers, but you’ll own the road” to “hey there Mr. Handsome Suit Guy between the ages of 30-52, buy this car and you’ll get home quicker than your wife, in time to catch kick off for Monday Night Football, before she steals the TV to watch Gossip Girl.” It’s added an extra layer to power and money—humor, fun, dare I say…community, family. I think the new ads answer the question, “can there be both humor and relatable satisfaction in money and power?” with a big fat, “YEP.”

Obnoxious to Viral: But advertisements also realized that they need to please people instead of annoy them. A consumer would much rather watch a 20 second ad with a rich corporate guy driving a car, rushing home getting in Green Bay Packers garb to watch MNF, than watch a 20 second ad of some random douche bag, driving in an open highway with NO ONE else around wearing sunglasses in the dark saying something douchey like, “my car is awesome…what do you drive, sweetie?” It needs to be relatable, but slightly out of reach so people feel like they have something to work for, while not getting depressed that middle class is the only class and the economy sucks and…well anything related to real life. Magical but not unattainable.

Ads now need to make something good enough for the few people without TiVo or DVR to see an ad and say, “I’m going to post this on YouTube/facebook/twitter, because it’s badass and awesome, and I want my friends to know I have a sense of humor and I’m up to date with the cool shit.” Not only does it obviously increase sales (duh), but this saves money as it’s basically free advertising. Consumers are suckers, but at least this makes them pretty frigg’n cool suckers. I’ve never worked for an ad agency, but I imagine part of their mission would be, “make it awesome enough to become a viral video in a week, die out in three weeks and then come back to life six months from now in some random conversation and relive the cycle again (see, Old Spice commercial).”

Anatomy of Commercials in our Modern Era: Pithy, spunky, and maybe even emotional. Everyone with a mother knows that Hallmark commercials have owned the emotional side of advertisements since the dawn of commercials. But that’s outdated…people don’t want their emotions to be whored out to every hallmark or feed the children ad on television. I imagine the conversation between the Human and the Emotion is… “Whoa there cowboy…simmer down. It’s just Hallmark Mother’s Day commercial, don’t be so easy, you whore…get a hold of yourself and change your panties.” People want to work for their emotion; they want it to creep up on them like a mosquito at night. For example, I was watching the new iPhone 4 commercial that is meant to showcase the video calling feature. Actually, wait, let me preface this with, I don’t really cry…unless you’re breaking my heart, but those are usually not tears of sadness as much as they are anger. Anyway, so okay…so the scene is the girl not wanting to open her mouth and person on the other line is her father and he keeps trying to make her smile and then she finally smiles revealing a mouth full of metal…here’s the video:
When I first watched this video I was sitting on my couch eating Pop Chips and drinking wine—experiencing a moment of solitude after a long week of being overly social… and I bawled. It wasn’t like a loud cry, or angry or anything, it was like the floodgates of uncontrollable tears reserved from months and months of refusing to cry, were opened and there little to no end in sight.
I compare it to the moment in Ratatouille when Anton Ego takes a bite from Linguini’s “ratatouille” dish, and he’s taken far back to a comforting humble place—home, as a child. Yes, it was like that.

Brilliant though right? The ad is brilliant! It unexpectedly strikes all the right chords, because when you think iPhone, you don’t think “family. sweet. adorable.” You think, “Badass, now I can be like every other rich schmuck on the bus playing Angry Birds or Scrabble on my iPhone.” But yes, people want to be reminded that things that seem cold, technological, and a sign of wealth, are not those things necessarily, or at least not only those things, but so much more, they can remind you of home, or a moment in time when your dad was supportive of that mushroom haircut in the 6th grade and still said you were the most beautiful girl in the world. And not only can they remind you of home, but they can literally take you to that place…like magic. Well done Apple. Well done.

So…be it intelligently humorous, intelligently emotional, fully tactful and incredibly viral and fun and innovative. Ads have drawn me in…and right, I don’t have TiVo or DVR…so I’m one of those people who sit through commercials and ponder for days.

And while my love affair might end soon as I evolve and as they possible devolve…I will always remember the days of:
Sheer Laughter



Tactful hotness
,

And, just plain intelligence without the quantum physics crap

...Also, i realize i haven't really said anything revolutionary here...but i'm not trying to revolutionize thought, just trying to get mine out there.

Maryanne: sweet somethings.

There’s nothing scarier than blank space, Maryanne thought. The freedom is offered was unbearable almost suffocating. Everything can go wrong with blank space. Everything can go perfectly with blank space. It was the not knowing what could happen, and the all encompassing finiteness of possibilities.

She just wasn’t used to it. Her life was the opposite of blank space. In fact it was a lot like one of those crazy paintings, what is that artist’s name again? Pollock, she said out loud, smiling at herself with oozing pride.
It was the third of the month which, to most, merely means it’s two days after the first of the month. Probably the day that the rent check goes through and a third of your paycheck goes to shit. To Maryanne it meant that it was her official scotch tasting day. Scotch was banned in her town because of some stupid event years ago involving Molotov cocktails, prostitutes, and a church. It was all so unclear, and this upset Maryanne because she didn’t like limitations caused by other people’s stupidities. In fact, before the ban Maryanne had never even tried scotch. Macallan was merely a charming Scottish last name. But once she got word of the stupid ban she went straight to a town just two miles north and tried her very first scotch. “I’ll haaaavvvve the second best Scotch you have.” The bartender quizzically looked at her, “on a tight budget I see.” “Nope! I just don’t want to be disappointed when I try the best and don’t like it.” “Umm…okay! Would you like it in a shot glass?” “Shot. Definitely a shot glass. Please. Did I say that at first? I meant to. Anyway, how about that scotch?” The shot glass appeared suddenly and she stood in a showdown with scotch. I’ll either love you or hate you, $20 shot. And with that thought the liquor was sliding down her throat burning it and making the stubbly hair on her shaven arm stand on end. She loved it. She loved the burn, the chills, and the way it made her eyeballs want to secrete fluids.

After looking at the blank space for a while Maryanne decided it would be less scary if she had her scotch tasting first. She went to her cupboard and opened up a whole new bottle of Laphroaig 10 Year Islay Malt, poured a three finger drink into her crystal tumbler; as she brought the glass to her mouth she sneezed right into it. Deeming the drink useless she poured its contents in into Ben, her new fern. “Drink up, Ben…this is your lucky day.” On her second try Maryanne sipped ever so slowly as she realized this scotch whiskey might change her life. The oaky taste made her feel like she was taking a bite out of the forest. She smiled as she poured just a smidge more. She walked to her living room, sat down on a herd of dust bunnies and stared at the blank space--a concrete urban looking wall rife with nothingness. Pollock she said to herself. Perfect.

Rusty lay next to her riding out the buzz he acquired from Ben's alcoholic soil.

She smiled as she envisioned chaos staring right back at her.

Maryanne revisited: Just Enough for a Blink.

Maryanne's toes pointed straight up to the ceiling above her, back slightly arched and if there was a connect-the-dot line between her slopey nose and the skylight above her it would be absolutely straight...no bend whatsoever. Her eyes, a certain green that made everyone think of frogs when they looked at them, were bloodshot and tearing as she timed the seconds she could count the stars (without blinking) out of her skylight. At about two and a half minutes, record time for this star counting veteran, her obscenely large phone buzzed like a defective vibrator—on-off-on-off. She ignored the first set of rings expecting a voicemail, but it only encouraged them to call again. Maryanne blinked. Too teared up to see who was calling, she blindly answered. It was no one. Or rather it was someone, but she pretended it was no one. She answered speaking some twisted form of Mandarin.
“Maryanne, is that you?” But she’d only respond in jibberish with the occasional "hello" in Mandarin...
“Hello? Is this…Maryanne I think you’re cutting out. If this is you, I need to tell you that I’m back in town and I’d like to see you, Rusty too if you want. I’ll even…well, I’ll even hang out at your apartment. Just this time…well, nevermind, just call me back.” A tear rolled down her cheek from burning blind eyes, and she hung up the phone. She lay back down and Rusty came around the corner having just awoken from his slumber he was ready for some attention. He licked her face as she lay there gazing…restarting her star counting.
He licked her forehead, but this would not distract her enough to blink. Bored to pieces he spitefully licked her nose.
Cheerios.
Stale Cheerios.
She smiled. Counted star number 50 and blinked.
“Perhaps tomorrow it’ll be clearer.”


(Credit to Devin Lai for this gem!)

Peek-a-Boo

I told myself I’d never be one of them. Those gosh darned prodigal bloggers! But promises are for the committed and clearly that’s something I’m not good at. The rules are simple…don’t get attached, expect little, be excited when you get better than “little.” Follow those rules, and I guarantee I’ll make you happy. That there is probably why I’m single as stag sock.

Wherever have you been dearest Green Fuzz contributor!?
-Well, between writing wretched fiction, breaking an ankle, getting really fat off of Trisquits (thank you, Nabisco) and the usual, warding off all attractive men in Seattle (and just about everywhere else I go) with my lack of charm, sophistication and apparently stlye , I’ve been working! Yep, that’s right, amidst all the ridiculousness in my life I somehow was able to not only acquire a job, but LOVE it.

Well…have you been writing?
-Funny you should ask. Yes, I have been writing. In fact, not only have I been writing but I get paid to do it as well! That’s right, I thank everything that is holy that I somehow landed a writing job as a content writer at a board game company. The distraction from my personal writing isn’t necessarily a bad one, but I do miss just writing about nothing.

What do you write at work? Did you write Monopoly?
-What? Really? Monopoly? You mean the game that was created back in 1934, which is by the way, before my grandmother was born? No I didn’t write Monopoly, in fact nothing I’ve written has been produced yet…most of the stuff will be in stores in early Fall. I write card content; ad copy for packaging, catalogs, sales packets; I write rules, and do a shit ton of research. As we all know…these days nothing is for sure, few things last…who knows how long I’ll have this job, but it’s writing, it’s my career and I’ll relish it for what it is as long as I can.

So…you’ve left the blogging world?...
-Actually, no! I haven’t…more of a hiatus because I got intimidated by all the awesome blogs I follow. I kept thinking my stuff was crap compared to everyone else’s and that I wasn’t going to post unless I felt like it was worth posting. I’m doing this new thing that involves having a little more a filter. In fact I’ve been practicing in notebooks..outlining. I’m also going to be writing a new blog for work. You will all have to follow that…it’s snarky meets stupid meet professional meets…ahh fuck it’s none of that…how bout I just kindly ask you to check it out and you can see whether or not I suck at life?

Anyway, now that I got the crap out of the way…how about you start posting some stuff with substance?
-I will. I’m working on it. I promise. Maryanne is coming back. There’s also a boy named Harold who I’m going to make you hate and love. There’s also me…there’s always me.

Also...check out this new triumph of mine. They're still blacklisted, but...at least i finally owned that sucker! Grapefruit: 1 Joey: 2. word.