"Someone" "Punch" "Me" "Plea"s"e"

Oh my goodness, someone shoot me (not really). But seriously, punch my arm, or pull my hair..do something... it's completely deserved, I swear.

I developed a new habit and it's driving me crazy. I get really deep into conversation and then, bam it comes out..and. i. just. can't. help it. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the terrible hell that is the "air quote". I've been air quoting about as often as a meth addict(1) picks at their skin. Honestly, I have no idea why I even do it, and every time it happens I get distracted with myself, and my story gets all screwy. Of course I can't even point it out to the poor person who has to put up with my air quoting because then they'll know that I know that I'm kind of a douche.

Now that I'm fully aware, however, I've decided to buy myself a shock collar; every time I make an air quote motion or even develop the beginnings of an air quote...or even if the intonation in my voice suggests I'm going to use an air quote in the next 2 seconds...I shock myself. If it works on dogs, it'll totally work on me.. (try not to believe that). You know what confuses me though, if people are able to use air quotes why can't they use air parentheses. That's just not fair to the parentheses. I mean if you're gonna be a tool, might as well be a tool all across the board.

Anyway, putting myself to sleep the other night I started devising a list of things that people do that make me want to drop kick baby sea otters


List of Things Pretentious People Practice in Front of the Mirror:
1) the "pssh"snicker smug laugh.

2) the eyebrow lift when anything that they don't understand is said. (they don't want to admit they actually have no clue what you're saying, so they remedy their problem by making you think you're the issue, and clearly you're confused.

3) the air quote (see above)

4) people who chew with their mouths open (maybe this isn't so much pretentious as it is disgusting, but still deserves to be noted)

5) Name dropping.

6) the drinking pinky raise (seriously...who do you think you are?)

7) the, i'm-going-to-talk-louder-than -you- while- you're- talking- because-what-I'm- about- to-say-is- so- important-I- cannot-wait , move.

I'm gonna honest here though...I've committed a few of these crimes myself, but my philosophy is, you can't hate it until you try it, right?