Because Being Thought about Naked by Strangers is So Awesome, Strippers Shouldn’t be the Only Ones Reaping the Benefits

Another one posted on Facebook that needs to be posted here.
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Being someone’s “Missed Connection” is an art. These serendipitous moments with the perfect connection and the perfect glance involve every bit of structure. There are skills involved, so many unsaid things that need to remain unspoken, but stated in some inaudible way, and so many emotions that need to be carefully and diligently pouring out of you like the tiny droplets of sweat of a chilled beer in a warm room. Everyone’s wants to be someone’s serendipitous moment. Every girl wants to feel like she is being stared at through those sunglasses and every guy wants to feel like someone is planning their wedding, as their being stared at.
Let me preface this by stating that if you’re unattractive, stop reading, walk away and go get attractive, come back and start over. If that doesn’t work, I know a few plastic surgeons I’d be happy to refer you to.
If you’re attractive and possess some form of sex appeal, I hate you. Keep reading…

After poring through what feels like a zillion missed connections on Craig’s List, I’ve noticed a few consistencies. There’s a formula to serendipity, and I just may have it figured out.

It’s all about lingering, and almosts, and maybes, and kind ofs.

Scenario:

You’re a good looking twenty something year old, and maybe you just got out of a long term relationship, and you’re down on yourself because the relationship lasted so long you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be spicy, “have it.” Perhaps, your ex told you he/she is breaking up with you because they’re tired of that tiny weird growth you have on your eyelid, that really only they have ever noticed, or that they can’t stand how your saliva tastes because all you eat is weird ethnic food, or, dare I say…you’re no good in bed, because since that last injury during an adventurous evening, you’ve lost your stamina. Sigh…So, you’re heart’s a little bruised and you never want to look at another member of the opposite sex again, at least not with that silent, I love you more than the stash of porn I have under my bed, look. Instead, you’re on the prowl for that single moment that feels like an epiphany in your stomach, but in your mind is really just a weightless glance and nothing more. Maybe. Or maybe you’re on the lookout to have that moment and then create some fantastic fantasy about what kind of wedding ring you’ll buy this person, and what your four boys will be named. Will they be named after your grandfather or his/her grandfather?

So I’ve developed a few straight-forward, “how-to rules” to achieve said moment.

The Look: You love to give it, but hate to get it, cause wtf does it mean anyway?!

--Always make eye contact with other attractive people. You must do this with every attractive person you see. You cannot let a chance for an opportunity pass you by. When this happens, don’t be too friendly. This means, don’t look so wide eyed and awestruck, or overly intimidated, you’re good looking that’s why you two have met each other’s eyes. Nor should you look like an asshole, take that scowl off your face, you’re no better than them, jerk. Plus, either of these extremes could divert the attention from your fantastic body and your lovely sex appeal. Which kind of would ruin everything. Also, if you look too eager to catch the eye contact, this will make you creepy and best and desperate, at worst.

So this look is more of a squinty eye thing; but not an “I’m blind therefore I squint,” look. More like, a very tiny minor squint, and you can’t keep it for too long. It’s got to give the message like, hey buddy, I know you’re looking at me, and I’m looking you but we’re not going to do anything about it. You want to be mysterious enough to give off a mischievous vibe that will cause your gazer to be too turned on or intimidated (most likely intimidated) to talk to you, but so enamored that he/she must write about you behind their beloved cyber mask.

Be Cool:

Don’t smile. Don’t smirk either. You can be serious, perhaps have a “straight face” shown by my fantastic emoticon here --> :-| . If you eyes are telling enough your mouth needs not to do anything. However, if you’re eyes are dull and empty you can try and save yourself with your mouth <>. The plan here is to make your mouth do something that is in between a smile and a smirk, which basically means you tense your lips and your cheek and slightly allow the edge of your lips to curl up. NOT TOO MUCH. This is very important, if you smirk, you’ll look stupid and creepy.

But not that cool:

If you have a quirk, like say… you blink every five seconds, or you have a nose twitch, or you bounce your knee up and down when you’re sitting, try to control it as best you can, but don’t try to hide it completely. You gotta let it be known that you’re kind of, maybe, a little fucked up. Tiny flaws are edgy. rawr.

Be Memorable:

Let’s be honest…if you’re going find your missed connections gazer; you have to make this your everyday full time job. So, always dress in something that says, “I’m here but I only kind of want you to know it.” Like red shoes, or a gray coat with silky red lining on the inside, or blue stockings under a white skirt. These memorable details will most inspire your gazer’s Missed Connections title: Adorable Sweetheart in the Polka Dotted Stockings or, Mr. Green Argyle Socks. Whatever it may be, the point is to be memorable enough that your gazer will use that one thing about you to differentiate you from anyone else, so that when you do avidly search for that missed connection about you, you’ll know, ahh yes, I’m the only crazy person who wears turquoise shoes and can pull them off.

Note: If you have red hair, stop right here. You do not need more flare.

Be Important:

Look busy so your gazer won’t be encouraged to approach you (this is if you have already glanced at your gazer and you looked so friendly that he/she might advance you). So, be interesting to entice attraction but removed enough to be unapproachable. Headphones or a really interesting book do the trick for this one.

That’s all I’ve got for you. You’re now one step closer to getting mentally stalked, thought about naked, and/or proposed to via internet. Aren’t you stoked?!

Of course, there’s the final step. You must vehemently check Missed Connections, I suggest you just do what I do and make it your homepage; then, have it automatically reload itself every 5 minutes. People may think you’re creepy, and pathetic, but really, they’re probably just jealous because they had to walk away and get attractive, and you did not. Either that or they’re just bitter and don’t believe in structured love, or planned serendipity.

I say, screw those jerks! Who doesn’t want to craft their own fantastical love!?