Publicly Humilinaked

I'm the tub of margerine (not

quite butter..yet) in the locker room.

I'm 14 and it will be the first time i

see other girls in their bra and

underwear.

I'm a mess.

they all think i'm fat.

my bAcne is probably oozing out of my sports bra

cellulite...they see it.

My butt is too flat.

My boobs are so much smaller than Carol's, and she's a size 2 and i'm a size 4!

The less developed girls somehow manage to keep their shirt on while they magically take off their sports bra and put on their standard A-cup bra. I watch in awe, while I study their swift moves.

I would like to try this magic.

I grab my bag, walk over to the corner, turn around facing the mauve tiled wall, and silently start the magic, placing my arms inside my shirt and somehow manage to remove my sweaty yellow sports bra without removing my P.E. shirt. Bravo! Task one is done, now i must put on my real bra.

Ten minutes go by and after several attempts, all the girls have left..the 2nd period bell has rung and I'm left alone in my self made puzzle.

After successfully changing without getting naked the first time, I pretty much label myself the Goddess of the Art of Swift Undergarment Removal.

It's Junior year, and I still have bAcne, my breasts are the size of dried apples, and my thighs are the only things that have become "womanly". Everyone is prettier and even the underdeveloped broads have learned to love themselves and claim naked freedom in front of everyone in the locker room, every 1st period.

This locker room is a haven for all pubescent boys...

I'm still in the corner...hiding.

Busty Girl who always tried to beat my 800 yard time, but always failed: Nice job out there today.

I'm in the middle of removing the bra. Arms tucked into my shirt and i'm probably making all sorts of constipated faces.

Me: Oh, yah...ummm thanks!

Busty Girl: Do you need help?

I've finally managed to remove the bra and it's now sitting on my waist as i try to pull it down past my hips, over my shorts...then suddenly in the midst of me saying "no i'm all good" and trying to pull the tight bra down my enlarged hips, my shorts fall to my ankles taking along with them my days-of-the-week underwear. Busty girl laughs at me and as I bend over to pick up my runaway undergarments, my ass brushes against the mauve tile and i jump nearly falling into her.

We share sweat. My butt's been violated by freezing cold tile, and Busty Girl has seen my "secret place."

Needless to say, I never again tried the magical undergarment removal. i de-crowned myself from my Goddess of Undergarment Removal status and I decided that I'd already reached my peak of embarrassment, and after this point everything would be a breeze.

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Present Day:

I get naked almost every day in front of a slew of women who represent every type of body in the world. I like myself...i'm content with my personal "me," and getting naked is just another thing to add to my casual daily routine. I don't have the days-of-the-week underwear anymore, it's kind of worse now, but only because the ones i wear for the gym are ones that i buy in bulk at Target hoping no man ever sees them (for their sake).

Recently, however, I've managed to make my routine traumatic and awkward, once again.

I've ran six miles on the treadmill, my face looks like a cherry and all i want to do is put on my clothes get on that bus home and read. And I know all the rules of the women's locker room:

1) Don't make eye contact

2) Don't stare anywhere for too long

3) Pretend like no one else exists by looking through people not at people

4) Dress quickly, and speak only if spoken to (because if they know the rules like they should, they'd only speak to you in an emergency)

5) Never make friends

6) Never snicker randomly

7) Avoid pulling out your cell phone

I comply to all of these, and as I'm pulling off my bra, i'm pulling it over my head and I hear a familiar voice:

"Joey! Hey!! I thought that was you."

Shit

" Heyyyyyyyy...how's it going? Mark told me you came to this gym, I just never thought i'd see you."

I'm now naked in front of a chiseled body kickboxing instructor who looks like she just walked out of a photo shoot for lululemon . My breasts are small and just kinda hanging out there while I act surprised and excited, even though i'm pissing the horror out through my pants at this terrible coincidence...and like Ignatius Reilly might say, Fortuna has something against me.

Hey you're that girl whose boyfriend I made out with two years ago. Only to find out after the fact that he was dating you all the while. Well isn't this just some adorable reunion!

If this isn't a fucked up version of drunken Karma i don't know what is.

"Yah I teach kickboxing here every Tuesday and Thursday from 5:45- 6:45. I've been here for about two years"

Your boyfriend's saliva stinks of cigarette and rotten vegan food.

"That's awesome....yahh kickboxing scares the beejeezus out of me. Wow, well i'm surprised I haven't seen you! This is about the time I usually come to the gym."

I can't find my bra.

And while i'm making a mental note to always leave the gym before 6:45 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, she smiles at me and says, "kickboxing is amazing. Especially the one i teach, we have all sorts of people, all sorts of experience levels and body shapes"

Translation: Even fat asses like you who can't tell their left foot from their right can do kickboxing!

The small talk continues and on top of having nothing to say to this perfectly normal woman i'm panicking cause she's seen my goods, and now i look like a modern day exhibitionist because i can't find my fucking bra. I remember the mauve tile and thank the gods that my underwear is fastened on me like the seatbelt on the Indiana Jones ride. I'm trying to harden my abdominal muscles to look chiseled and fantastic...but at this point i'm helpless, she knows she's better then me...the only thing i really have going for me is that she doesn't know my other secret.

"Yah, i should definitely try that some time. I bet it's really soothing and fun, and i could definitely use a break from my usual routine."

Awkward head nod.

I find my bra, it's attached to the inside of my blouse. Fantastic. After fastening it on, I quickly pack up, gathering the little pieces of my broken ego scattered all around her.

"Well, I best be going, i can't miss those 70's buses"

"Ohhh you go on the 70s too, well i'll go with you. It'll be nice to not have to ride the bus alone for once!"

I smile, she smiles.

Fuck me and my big mouth.

"Great!! yah, i never take the bus with anyone, so this should be great!"

While riding the bus i wanted so badly to explain to her that it wasn't my fault that her boyfriend decided to cheat on her, and that instead he's just kind of a scumbag in general. I wanted to tell her i didn't know, and that, to be honest, i never thought they were a "thing" because she's kind of manly and he's kind of ....well, feminine. I wanted to say that nothing else had ever happened and that i was stoked that they were still together after two years.

I mostly wanted to tell her that I never make friends at the gym, and intend to keep it that way, and that every Tuesday and Thursday after this week, I'd be avoiding the gym at all costs, because I can't stand small talk...much less, kickboxing instructors who i have nothing in common with beyond a vagina and breasts.

I've seen her at least three times after that...