Dr. Midori Sour

My date with true love was Thursday morning...we got intimate fairly quickly. I hadn't even had a lick of alcohol yet, and she was askin' me all sort of personal questions; then she told me to get undressed so that, well, so that she could check me out. She stepped out for a second while I made myself comfortable, slipping on the backless robe with that wallpaper print plastered all over it, death pale blue, and little swirls of pastel colors floating around aimlessly looking very 80s... this is the Zach Morris cell phone of robes. Like a good girl, I do what she says and I hop onto the bed, and my ass slaps against the cold protective paper, i quickly jump in shock, well this is no way to get comfortable.

I'm sitting there twiddling my thumbs, thinking of all the ridiculous things that could happen at that very moment...my mind wanders and I imagine a sudden earthquake, and i'm running down the halls bare assed. I shrug, well i wouldn't be the only one..

I'm staring out the window thinking: everyone really did just see me get naked didn't they? Then right about the time when my heart jumps out of my nostril i notice the sign that says, "Our windows are tinted to ensure your privacy.." whew...

My date walks in and i'm certain she's noticed I'm nervous.. She says something, and I ask her to repeat it..and i tell her that yes, I'd like that vaccine, and she says, "great i'll put in an order.." We're all smiles up until she tells me she needs me to slide down, and as I'm sliding i rip the paper and it's awkward because it sounds like it could be a fart, but i'm hoping she knows i'm more tactful than that...we move on.

She pulls out the stirrups, and asks me to place my feet on them, and I'm nervous and cold, and most importantly i'm thinking, gosh darnit this girl moves fast. I want to make a joke, but i think our language barrier might cause some mis-communication and awkward misunderstanding. I bite my tongue.

She's down there talking me through her examination of my special area... I kind want to tell her to keep to herself, if you dont have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all... because, No Dr. Midori (her name is Minori), i don't know want you to tell me that the next thing you place in there will make my "tummy feel weird" and nor do I want you to tell me that the swab has to be there for 15 seconds, cause now all I'm doing is counting down..and your seconds are a lot longer than mine. I flinch and she tries to commiserate with me by saying, "i know i know, it feers weird..i'm sorry..." Look Midori, let's face it,you are not sorry! If you were you wouldn't be narrating right now, you'd be giving me a high five (not that kind) cause i'm being such a good patient (date)!

When she's all done checking everything out she pulls out all the crazy devices (okay...one thing..but still!) she's placed in my special area...and says nothing. In another dimension i'm saying, "wait..seriously? You're not even gonna tell me everything looks great? You're not gonna say, 'wow that is a well kept hoodle you got there'? " I'm confused...you do your thing, and i dont even get a compliment in the end? Call me egotistical but i'm pretty sure i deserved, at the very least a "looks good!" Just saying...

And you know what, if i'm honest here... the women's exam is way more uncomfortable than getting a shot, and when i was little, i'm pretty sure Dr. Fuhrman gave me lollipops and stickers every time I walked into his office...What did i walk out with this time around? Prescriptions. Yah, being a girl is awesome, but we have to do this little song and dance once a year and it's no Disneyland let me tell ya...i think we at least deserve lollipops, and if you for a second think i'm too old for lollipops, i hate you.

I suppose i would have settled for Peppercinni as well...

But so we're fighting now...and in a year, when we have our second date, we're gonna have to work this situation out because I'm tired of being walked all over Midori...just tired.